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I watched a video about grit today... I decided, I want to have grit.
I know I do have it, but I don't have steady grit... it's like a sand storm.
one minute calm, not too gritty, then I get worked up and all the grit comes flying out in a huge destructive, or constructive force.

It'd be nice if the grit were more like a river, slowly etching it's way into the landscape, eroding the rock it flows over, slowly over time. steady, depending on the rain and it's deep spring as it's source of strength.

I also have been despairing because I'm 29. and I'm single, and I'm still in college, have no job, and I am completely broke.

I know HOW and WHY the things in my life are happening. I feel like I'm learning alot of things about myself this year... just through reading books, and taking a psychology class...

I just want to look at my life and feel peace.

I've been afraid, my whole life. It is killing me.

I think I gave up on God and said, "it's okay God, I got this, I don't know what you're trying to tell me, so I'm going to just do the best I can and work really hard, and hope it'll be okay when I'm done."

Instead of being honest and vulnerable... I think I was being honest and vulnerable, and then I fell flat on my face, and said i'm not doing this anymore! So I never got up to try again. I just stayed there on the ground.

And i've basically been log-rolling through my life for the past 4 months.

No wonder it's such a mess.

I'm signed up for fall classes. I have no money, my parents have been giving me money, so I can drive to school, to look for a job, I've been bouncing between Gramma's house and my parents house. I've been rejected by a few potential jobs, which was shocking.. like log-rolling over a pile of broken glass, or a porcupine.

I applied for an amazing expensive school, closer to people I want to be friends with, but i have no idea how to pay for it, where I'll live, what on earth I would do there.
I'm still torn between doing what I love, and having my own life, and taking care of my family.

I know life is supposed to be messy, and not always make sense. But, I feel like i'm living out of an inflatable rescue boat.

I want to be married, and a mom. But don't even have friends, let alone a boyfriend. I want to be beautiful and at peace with my life... I want to be a part of something meaningful. I'd love to be a leader, or innovator or start something new. Even if I was just a reliable person who was always there. I've got nothing. I want to be a woman who knows her worth, and doesn't let her demons keep her from shining, or flying, or soaring. I want my life to be good enough for me.

It doesn't mean it has to change... or at least change drastically. I should get a job.. that is important.
I just need to get off the ground, and start walking, instead of rolling.

I need to control my own footsteps, instead of let life roll me along.
Learned helplessness is something we're learning about in psychology. It means you don't try to change your own life, because you don't feel like it'll make a difference or that you have any power over your own self.

Anyway, thats all for tonight.


i miss the snoring.

The space between your heart and mine,
it's a space we'll fill with time.

Tossed in the breakers
in the palm of your hand.
Now I can finally stand.

i can be the wall when you fall down
find me on the rocks when you break down
i heard it in the song when you call out
but i got to say now it's got to change now.

my tumultous heart.
is an ocean,
and I have always been looking for the north star.

But i've never been lost at sea.
because the sea is my home, my love, surrounding me, loving me always.
no matter where i go,
or what star I set my course for.
The sea is always there, loving me, surrounding and overwhelming me, and holding me up.



Here on this day of march 31st when it's supposed to snow tomorrow.
I am writing again.
Dear friends, who probably won't read this for a while, life is going.
I can't say good or bad, it's just going. i'm almost 30!
soooo weird.

I think i might be falling in love.
It's exciting and scary and fun and there are butterflies and fireworks, and walks in the snow.
I didn't expect this.
this is the last thing i expected.

more to come in the future.

maybe this is the real thing.

maybe it's not going to last.

love you!

hidden things

One of the hardest parts about loving someone unconditionally is holding out your hand to them and watching them walk away, or when they say things about you that break your heart, when all you want to do is love them, and be there for them. You can be mad, you can be sad, but nothing you do will change that they abandoned and betrayed you, nothing you can do will change how deep the hurt they caused is. The only thing you can change is whether you hurt them back, or if you walk away, or if you choose to stay, and wait for them, and love them anyway, regarless of what they say about you, or do to hurt you. love is a choice, and i'm choosing to stay.
This is what I want to say.
but i can't

God does punish liars so if you are reading this, and you are lying about someone else, or someone else's family, to the police, the school their kid goes to, judges, their neighbors, if you are lying about anyone to anyone else, HE KNOWS. There is no way on this earth that I can punish you as well as God can, and will, which is why that is His job. But you will be found out, and when you are, the charade of perfection that you pulled over other people's eyes will only make you look worse. When you die, and you are standing before God, He will ask you about these very days that we are living in, and he will point to Jesus, who died for you, and what will you tell him?


I feel like God has really been speaking to me through the song Amazing Grace.

Amazing Grace
that saved a WRETCH like me.
my chains are gone,
i've been set free
my God, My SAVIOR has ransomed me
his mercy RAINS,
amazing grace.

among other worship songs, and there have been many.

Here are somethings I feel like God is speaking to me, and I am to share with you:

Study amazing grace, not just the song itself and how it was written, but also historical signifigance, and also study slavery, and civil rights movements.
God has saved us from slavery to sin.
This is played out in humanity's tendency to enslave one another.
This is very important.
Especially because of the world that we currently live in.
People live in addictions, slaves to chemicals and impulses.
People live in fear, of the past, of what others think, of failure.
We are slaves to our modern culture.
We are not free to follow Jesus and be God's child if we allow ourselves to be enslaved to what society expects of us.
We are not free to soar.

I think the church needs to take an honest look at themselves, and where they are, and where they want to be.
I realize thats what church formation thingies are for.

this is what breaks my heart.
My sister is interested in going to church,
and i can't tell her she should go to upper room
because they're not seeker friendly,
not easy to digest for a non-christian,
not family friendly, there is no daycare, no sunday school.
the church itself doesn't reach out,
we're just not a friendly, community oriented church.

I would love to tell her she should go there, and that people would be accepting of her, and they would love her and love her kids, and the sermon would be simple and easy to understand.
but I can't.

I wouldn't recommend our church to anyone right now.

but it doesn't have to be that way.
We have a beautiful history of outreach, and fellowship and love for our community.
And we have the ability to make changes, and to reach out to people.

We just have to do it, step outside of ourselves and our comfort zone.
I know you feel like you have to live up to the expectations of the church members,
but honestly, sometimes leaders chooose and uncomfortable path.
Sometimes as a leader you have to say, we're going to go up this steep path, even though we're used to walking on flat ground, and we don't have hiking boots on, this steep path will be good for us in the end.

Amazing Grace.

I think we need to study God's grace and the effect it has on people's lives. How God changes individuals.
You could discuss God's grace in different bible stories.
I think God wants us to tell eachother personal stories of His grace,
how he changed this person's life. How he changed that person's life.

I think we should have a gallery of grace.
Paintings, and sculptures and songs and poems and plays that are inspired by grace.

I think we need to share these things with eachother, DAILY, and pray for eachother DAILY.

If you had a meeting EVERYNIGHT at the church at 7PM, instead of having church on sunday.
just try it,
try it for 2 weeks.

And tell people to bring their friends.

And i think we should tell other churches in the community about it, so they can come and share in the grace and bring their friends.

And challenge them to paint, draw, sculpt, bake, act, sing, play our God's grace.

I think that we should have a big gathering at the end, where we invite all these different people to come together, and we can display God's grace, and all the wonderful colors and shades of it, all together in one place.
we could use the church,
or we could go to the town hall to do it.

This isn't just me, this is what God spoke to me, while I was on my way home tonight, driving and praying for my enemies, and crying because my life sucks, but God is still good.

Share my grace with others.
don't waste time.
don't waste the opportunity I have given you.

Amazing Grace part 3

Dear Joel,
I think that the church should study Amazing Grace.
I think that you should seriously and deeply research it, but have a time limit, so like 2 weeks. or maybe 3 weeks.

I really feel like God wants us to focus on how He can change us, and save us with His Grace,
and really personally how he has done this,
in your life, in different people's lives.

I have this weird vision of our whole church coming together every day of the week in the morning, and in the evening to sing amazing grace. And of all the church members sharing openly with each other and people in the community of how God's grace has changed their lives.

We need to reach out to our community, we have been given grace, we need to share it.

We can't just hang up a sign that says "we want to get to know you, please come to church on sunday".

I mean, we could, but that might not bring in many people.
We the church, need to get out into our neighborhoods, meet our neighbors, visit, get to know them, suffer with them, mourn with them, rejoice with them, share with them.

We can't just sit in our churches and homes and pray that God will move. We need to make connections.

I know you say that it depends on where people are at in their lives.
But, seriously? Sometimes you need to look at where you are at, honestly, and kick yourself in the butt.

Jonah didn't WANT to go to nineveh.
That was where he was at.

He got swallowed by a fish.
He had to turn to GOD, and GOD saved him, but

Jonah still delivered God's message to the ninevites.
his heart was hardened against them.

Yes, that is where Jonah was at, but he was still obedient to GOD.

We as a church are not being obedient to God. If we refuse to reach out to our neighbors, and we refuse to love them and share God's grace with them. Thats not being obedient thats being disobedient, and disobediance leads to death.

I don't want to sound so mean about it.

Amazing Grace part 2

Dear Friends,

I highly suggest that we sink our teeth into the important subject of Grace.
There are a few reasons for this, one being that the song amazing grace is one of the many really awesome worship songs that has recently gotten me out of my weird little funk of loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and almost suicidalness.

yeah i meant that last word to be there.

Amazing Grace,
How sweet the Sound.
like me.

I once was lost, but now am found
was blind but now I see.
sooooo clearly.

so, let me explain what I'm trying to say to you this way:

God, didn't put us on this earth so we could be comfortable,
He didn't put us here so we could be successful,
he didn't put us here on this earth so we could be good
little christians in our little bubbles doing our little christian things.

God put us here to be His hands and feet.
He put us here to teach us to trust Him, and to love Him.

He put us here to SHOW US his GLORY,
to SHOW US his GRACE, His MERCY, and His LOVE.

When I have to tell my own sister that she should go to another church, other than the one that I go to, that my best friend is the pastor of, because they aren't friendly to outsiders, and they aren't easily accessible to people who may just be curious about church and they aren't friendly to families that have children, i feel like there might be a serious problem.

We are not here to make ourselves comfortable.
We're here to seek and save the lost. they're not going to come to us just because we hang up a sign, we have to go find them.

this is really not coming out in the loving convincing way i wanted it to.

Amazing Grace

Okay, so this is my challenge to you,
since I don't know if I'll get to talk to you about it
in real life, and
somehow I doubt that if I did anyone would actually listen,
since thats just not something that happens.

I say things.
People don't care.
I say things.
People have their own opinions.
I say things.
People do the exact opposite.

but i keep on saying things in the faith that someday somebody will actually hear me and listen.

I can't apologize for the person that i may become, through this current process I'm in.
Just remember, when you're missing who I used to be, that I was pushed to be this way.
This is a result of other people's lies.
This is the fruit of the Lafcos.

i WON'T back down. I won't be quiet, and I won't be ignored.
if i end up in jail, well, alot of christians have ended up in jail.
deitrich bonhoffer, Corrie Ten Boom, Paul, most of the early christians.
people who have something to say, and aren't holding back are always sent to jail.
why should I be different? and maybe then I can finally paint. and write.

I'm trying to refocus myself before I go to DCF tomorrow.
I need to keep my heart facing God, and let Him fill me up.
Because I NEED His words to come out of my mouth, and not just my words.

thanks friends!



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