If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love

lol

i don't want to be here, i don't know what I'm doing,
and I don't understand how to do it.

this is the day you were born.

I am so tired. But today has much to offer.
I'm all java'd up on coffee, but i'm still tired.
I want to see what will become of me.
I decided last night that I want to be a teacher.
it doesn't matter if i don't make alot of money.
I'll be happy anyway.
teachers do make enough money to have their own apartments and cars.
so I think I could deal with that.
and if it's just me, I won't have anything to worry about.
until I get my 1st foster kids.
I'm going to be a foster mom.
either here, or in south africa.
or maybe both.

i just feel like that would fit me.
I want to learn alot of things this year, so I can give alot to my future kids and students.
I want to change.
And I'm excited about that change.
I know that God is doing something big with us.
I'm pretty sure that, even if things seem like crap right now, they will be ok.
we are being tested, stretched, and broken. But God's will, will win in the end.
i don't want to get distracted by what doesn't matter.
which is why I'm taking a year off of boys.
i haven't spent as much time with God as I would have liked.
it's like he's been chasing me, and i've been playing coy with Him.
but no more!
lol

if you read this today, and you want to pray for me, just pray that I will be able to stay focused on what I am learning today, and that I will be able to be creative and work hard.
I don't want to take these classes anymore.
but it is too late to get out of them, and I really need to go to school, i need these credits, and maybe these classes will help me in later years.
next year, or maybe this summer, I start school for being a teacher.
thats my simple dream.

i love you guys.
-Dee

I'll love you
til we're black and we're blue
there's no words I could say
to make me change
and my minds made up
my thoughts stay the same
baby I'll love you
we'll make it through


I have felt really strange lately.
I think we're all changing, alot.
I'm trying to get used to you all over again.
it feels like Noelle is a whole new person,
and Joel is just crazy!
julie is the same.
and me, I'm just confused.
I feel like I was sort of stuck in a mold,
and now I'm soft, and pliable.
I think God is shaping me through this.
I need to spend more time thinking, and writing,
and spending time with God.
not that I don't love you guys, I really do.
I want to be a help whenever I can.
i love you.
but I need to spend serious alone time, for a little while at least.
I have to figure out who i am, and who God is, and what we are going to do together.
I know that God is at work in this situation, I just need to surrender to him like I did
when I was in South Africa.
if you guys could've felt what I felt when I was there.

it was amazing, it was what life is meant to be like.
i was so alive.
i feel like i'm cold here, shivering by fires that don't truly warm my soul.
that could be because my house is cold, and I am lonely and tired.
but I feel this way all the time.

I'm going to pray for my future husband too, because if he does exist, he's out there somewhere, I know that I've been neglecting to pray for him.

to my boy:
wherever you are tonight, i hope you are warm, and i hope that you miss me.
but i hope that you're leaning on God more than thoughts of me, or some other girl.
-dee

lets just not forget what we have been put here for.
Yes, we're dirty, and broken, and ruined.
But God accepts us, he loves us, he forgives us.
Nothing else really matters.
except that the enemy of our souls would have it any other way.
he'd rather we are drowned in self-pity, and in feeling we're never good enough,
he'd rather strangle us in fear, than have us running free under the rain of God's love for us.

Everything will fall into place, and it will keep falling into place,
we just have to trust, and have faith. We need to be people of action.
Because all of these words mean nothing.

We've got EVERYTHING going for us. really, we can do anything.
lets put these mistakes and regrets behind us, and just remember what we've learned from them.
it's time to move on, and become who we were meant to be.
lets go!

love -dee


It's been a long 2 years
it's time to smile
we've made it this far
just like you said we would
There are no more tears
we've used them all
so now we'll rely on our laughter.
and the faith that pain brings joy

i'm a little sad now.
I know i've been weird lately, and i know I've
had a lack of funds, but that doesn't mean you have to leave me out of your plans.
i'm sure I'll feel better about this in a few hours.

i called Mary at the nursing home, and I have to have a physical tomorrow.
they're going to find out how fat i am.
)-:

i don't know how to tell wal * mart i won't be there.
i don't know how i'll get to work either.

sometimes, i feel like there always has to be something wrong in order for me to be happy.
i don't know what i would do with myself if i had one of those celebrity perfect lives of the rich and famous. i think it would kill me.

if I've been weird lately, I don't know what is wrong with me.
I want to be happy, and I want to be content, i just feel really weighed down.
trying to get a job has been a big deal, and i finally got one, and i have to say goodbye, because i found a better one. i hate disapointing people, and making other people sad.
but i know that everyone will be happy that i am working at Quaboag, everyone who knows me at least.

i want my life to be more than this, and this almost feels like taking a step back wards, and not a step forwards. we'll see what happens. i am not sure again that i want to get out of here. i feel a desperation to do things, and do them well, with God behind me, but i don't know what those things are. i don't know anymore.

maybe that is whats wrong with me. I thought I knew exactly what I was working towards, but i had no way at all to get there, and now, i am beginning to have a way to get somewhere, but i don't know anymore where I'm trying to go. i feel like a feather blowing in the breeze with no idea where i will land.

maybe i just need to rest. and i will do that today. and tomorrow.

i love you guys!
-dee

i don't want to get back into the normal flow of everything. ever.
i just want to love people the way i was meant to.
i'm probably going to only work at wal * mart for a few months.
i'm calling the nursing home today.
but it's more than what i do at school or for work.
i want to start loving people the way shane loves them, the way Jesus loves them.
and i'm not doing that in what i find myself doing here.
maybe i'm not meant to be in all these art classes.
i'm not sure how to love people with computer graphics and animations.

i just want to go through the streets of warren, and hug strangers in the streets.

there's nothing glamorous about warren. it's not africa, it's not the ghetto, or a big city,
people aren't dying of AIDS. but they are dying inside, and my heart goes out to them.
i have nothing conclusive yet, but monadnock this year was a first step, and i know that this is the beginning of something.

It'll take everything from me, and i want to give that freely.

but praise God. we could never sing he loves us oh how he loves us enough, because we'll never grasp how much he does love us.

this week is going to be a challenge. but I'll fight my way through it.
my life doesn't suck, I've got God behind behind me, well, behind, in front , above, below.
it'll work out.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=8134

when i was @ wal mart before christmas, i saw a guy named stewie,
outside wal mart ringing for the salvation army.
and, we talked a bit.

He's in Haiti right now. there's a video of him on the internet.
i'll post it later.

the ache is always here, sometimes it hides in the shadows of joy, or friends.
but it seems lately it's a constant, and it is continually present.
even my bones feel it, but this ache is so much more than physical.
it's in my soul.
I feel shattered, and broken. I feel everyone's pain.
i don't know how much longer I can go on like this, taking the world's pain on my shoulders.
why is it that i do that?
I ache for the people in Haiti, and I ache for the people who wish they were there, who long to help and know their loved ones are safe.
I ache for south africa, for the uncertainty, and confusion of the girls I talked to, and for the innocence of the dancing children at the pre-school at that clinic.
I ache for my friends, their heart breaks, hopes, triumphs, failures, disapointments.
Your pain is my pain, I've made it that way.

I just don't think i can go on doing so.
and maybe the end of this is found in prayer.
in releasing it all to God.
His shoulders are much broader, and suited to the task, of carrying the world's troubles.
slowly, attached to little white balloons, all these weights will float up to him.
that is my offering of incense. the fragrance of my sadness, my empathy as Brandon describes it.
for the Lord does not delight in burnt offerings, but in a contrite heart.

I love you guys, and I can't save the world, but I feel like a caged bird up here. I am doing nothing. I can't wait to break free.
someday. hopefully soon. in the mean time i will plot, scheme, and gather my ammunition.

-dee

i guess i got my wish!
remember when i said i hope this winter is really nice, where it kind of snows
constantly.
well, it's snowing today!
and it's been snowing so much, that yesterday, when I walked outside something was missing,
because it wasn't snowing.
i love it!
^_^

Dreams are coming true.
well, sort of. I'm realizing more and more, that this life is just a sandwhich of the good and the bad.
The bad, is the bread, on both sides, and in the middle is a large slab of Corned Beef, or Turkey, or Chicken, the good part of life. and there's lettuce, tomoatoes, and mustard, and mayonaise.

so, There are alot of things I wish I could have, and do, and be, and alot of things I regret, there are things that make me sad, and make me feel like a terrible person.

But there are also things that are good, and make me happy, and feel good, and useful. There are dreams that I've had that are being fulfilled, and people who make me happy.
I'm realizing alot about myself, and others, and I'm trying really hard to do what is right,
which is something I'm not always so good at.

I get away with being good, mostly because I'm not interested in bad things, or because I'm too scared to do anything too risky. not because I'm actually working hard to be good.
So, now I'm working harder.

it's like that key chain, imagine what i could do if both sides of my brain were working!

people were asking me for advice today, and I'm not sure I gave the best i could. I want to be able to say what God would want them to hear, but sometimes the stupidest things come out of my mouth, and I wish I could take them back, or re-do that moment.

lets not run away from our fears, lets embrace them, they'll take us on one wild ride.
I hope to never hide from the truth, and I don't suggest you do it either.
I love you guys, I'm here for you, call me if you need me.
good night!

it's nice to know, that i only have 10 more classes, after this semester to sign up fork, and pay for.

oh, btw, i got all A's this semester.

^_^


so, I can leave in 2011.
and I will be. even if I have to hitch hike, and become a homeless bum.

i love you guys.
call me and we can talk!

-dee

kyra santiago.
a singer i might want to listen to in the future.
the end.

if it doesn't break your heart it isn't love
if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough
it's when you're breaking down
with your insides coming out
thats when you find out what you're heart is made of
and you haven't lost me yet
i'll sing until my heart caves in
but you haven't lost me yet.

^_^

i'm sorry.
i love you.
the pain and brokenness are what make
us stronger, what make us beautiful.
keep going on, and on,
these troubles are like wrapping paper,
and we will rip them up,
to reveal a secret gift.
this is teaching us to love.
testing the strong ones.
scaring the beautiful ones.

love you
-dee

I used to think, that if I was happy, I could look at the world,
and use my joy to make it a better place.
Julie and I were talking about crying in public, and it's so funny,
that i am so bad at lying verbally, yet I can spend hours and hours
laughing, and making jokes, and smiling, when I just want to rip my heart out,
and jump in a frozen pond full of ducks.

I suppose, I'm just very in control of my emotions in public.

I really feel like everything that I had, and all that was inside me, that kept me ticking,
has been ripped out, and taken away. And I'm just like a deflated baloon, with nothing.
and yet, I was at church today,
and the music started playing....
every breathe i take i breathe in you, you are my way jesus.
you shine, filling us with courage and strength to follow you.

and i had to sing, for all i was worth, which is nothing.
People say they want to give until there is nothing left.
well, I've got nothing left, but I've still got to give.

i feel, wasted, weak, and tired, and empty.
I want God to fill that space inside me. I know the truth, oh how well i know it.
it's the actions that elude me. And I realize that this world is a broken place,
and it's doing it's best to break me. But I've got the strength of heaven on my side.
so quietly, quietly, I will heal, and continue to give, and God WILL fill me up again.
He WILL fill us all up again, and again, as long as it takes for us to get to heaven.

I decided, that i need to speak my mind, if what is inside it is the truth. If I speak the truth, there is nothing to fear, not even death itself. this life is temporary, and will end someday, and when it does, i hope i've tried my best, and never given up, even when I must depend on the quiet strength of the Lord, which is probably the best policy when it comes to live anyway.

I love you guys sooooo soooo much. I'll be praying for you, and it'll mean something this time, because i believe.
we're gonna get through this, we're gonna make it, even if we don't get where we thought we were going.

love you.-dee

tomorrow is Meaghan's wedding. i feel horrible. like there's a giant hole in my body, and it's sucking my soul out...


i don't have any new years resolutions.

except maybe to fit into the brides-maids dress Jill couldn't wear
because she's pregnant. ^_^

150!

but... pretty much, if I had a resolution, it would just be that I want to be a better person.
because I'm so sick of being broke, and I just want to be fixed.

i want to be a better friend.

love you guys.

-dee

sometimes my heart aches for everything to go back to the way it came.
I cried myself to sleep at my grammas house.
because The Brightest by Copeland came on, and
someother songs, and they just reminded me of
us, and how we used to be.

But I know that I can't dwell on what is past, and
that I have to take each new day as it comes, expecting great things.
I just feel very sad and melancholy at night.

night time is when i think of you, and of the past.

READ THE POST BELOW THIS, IT IS WAAAAAAAAAAAY MORE IMPORTANT

my life is a fake.

i miss you guys, I'm sorry if I'm a bad friend, or I'm not interesting anymore.
I'm working on it.


I decided that, the reason people like me, and Joel, and Shane Claiborne are different, is because of this.

Most people have dreams, they dream of being a famous actress, or an astronaut, or digging up dinosaur bones, and as they grow up, most people realize those dreams aren't going to happen, so they settle for dreaming of finishing college, or getting married, or moving away, and sometimes even those dreams don't work out, so they dream of having a job, or being able to pay their bills, or having a house someday.

And then, there are people who know that there are better things to dream about.

Jon Foreman knows about these kinds of people. He sings songs for them.
I'm singing this one for the dreamers
ooohoohooh
I'm singing this one for the sparks.

people who don't dream about accomplishing great things, or being famous, or rich, or in love, or having what they want, or doing what they want.
People who dream about Love. People who dream about loving other people know what to dream about, and those kinds of people are the ones who will change the world, because what greater force of change is there than love?

Think of all the things that have happened because Jesus first loved us 2000 years ago?

so, when we dream of going to south africa forever, we're dreaming of loving people. When I dream of being a roadie and going to festivals for the rest of my life, I dream of loving people. When we dream of being poor, and simple, and not being rock stars, we're dreaming of loving people.

Not everyone dreams of that. Because not everyone sees the world for what it is.
it's like in the matrix, when everyone is asleep, and the reality they see is just a dream, that a computer programs them to feel.
And there are a few people who are really living, and see the world for all that it is, all it's darkness, and all it's beauty, and they're misunderstood.

But they are the ones who really see what is going on.

The devil has been taking things from me. Everything I love and hold dear. I feel a bit like Job for loosing everything. I know that I have to lean on God and follow him, because I know thats the truth, and I won't give into believing a lie. I won't blindfold myself from what is really happening in this life. Lately, I've felt more like just giving in, and living an average life.

But I know that, that life isn't the life I was meant to lead.
none of us are meant to lead that kind of life.
we were meant to live for so much more.